#1. This Time You Have to Pay for It - [00:00:00]
Ricky introduces the all new Ricky Gervais Show. Steve questions what makes this show new but Ricky reminds him that they are now charging for them. Monkey News has been retired because Karl says theyâ€™ve â€œdone it all.â€ But Ricky predicts a possible return in the future, especially when the listeners inevitably start an internet campaign.
#2. Karlâ€™s New Planet - [00:00:50]
After Steve questions whether the show is episode 13 or episode 1, Karl poses his own question about what year it would be if humans inhabit another planet. Ricky hopelessly tries to explain basic astronomy to Karl and what makes a year a year. Karl feels you canâ€™t change things too much for people, especially old people because they are â€œset in their waysâ€. Karl also worries about stationery and diaries being incorrect so he has decided that we should just leave everything the way it is.
#3. Light Years and Time Travel - [00:03:03]
Ricky goes on to describe a conversation he had with Karl in the week where he attempted to explain telescopes that can see back to the big bang and what a light year is. Of course, Karl was having none of it. Ricky also attempts to explain the improbability of time travel since, if it were possible in the future, people would have come back in time. Karl is also unimpressed by the telescope because in space there is nothing in the way.
#4. Doppelgangers - [00:05:38]
Steve reads an email sent in by a listener named Jake, who asks Karl what he would do with his doppelganger. Karl worries about knowing which one he was; Ricky immediately deems this statement the stupidest thing ever said by a human. Karl ultimately decides that it would be a headache and he wants none of it. Ricky wants to contact the Guinness Book of World Records to submit Karlâ€™s doppelganger statement. Karl also wouldnâ€™t want to have a twin because they donâ€™t look enough alike.
#5. Heaven and Hell Conundrum - [00:09:27]
Ricky attempts to be more cerebral with the new podcast and present more science and logic. He gives Karl a puzzle about two doors, one to heaven and one to hell, with identical guards in front of each door. The guard in front of heaven always tells the truth and the one to hell always lies. Karl has one question to ask one of the guards. What does he ask? This leads to a roleplay scenario in which Ricky and Steve play the two guards. Karl decides to ask Steve if God is in because he has some post that he needs to sign for. Unfortunately it doesnâ€™t work since both Ricky and Steve say that God is in and is behind their door. Ricky then gives up and tells Karl the answer: you ask either guard, "If I were to ask the other guard which door he was guarding, what would he say?". Karl instead believes that this is a scenario where you would use your â€œgut feeling".
#6. Abstract Art - [00:16:23]
Steve reads another entry from Karlâ€™s Diary. Karl describes a book he read called Freaks. He talks about the Two Headed Nightingale, a pair of Siamese twins who were pictured playing chess with a doctor; Karl feels this isnâ€™t fair. He also had a conversation with Rickyâ€™s mate, Glyn, about art. Karl doesnâ€™t have any art because he has a mirrored wall and thus no place to hang it. Karl explains that the wall was put up by a little gay fella who lived there before him and Karl wonders what â€œexperimentalâ€ things he used it for. His solution to this was to put wallpaper over the mirror, but he still canâ€™t hang things on it. Karl doesnâ€™t get abstract art; Ricky tries to explain the effects of photography on modern art and Karl gets annoyed that photography was invented at all. He then tells a spurious story about Dali and the lobster telephone. Karlâ€™s favourite artist is Lowry, but heâ€™d rather look out the window.
#7. Too Many Words - [00:23:27]
Steve goes on to read more from the diary. Karl is worried that people arenâ€™t keeping a close enough eye on the dictionary as there are too many words added and not enough taken out. Karl also wrote about global warming and head size. He believes there is too much information being crammed into brains causing them to grow.
#8. The Return of Rockbusters - [00:26:17]
Ricky introduces the classic Xfm feature, Rockbusters which Ricky and Steve immediately criticise. Steve uses the â€œWetknee Houstonâ€ example to give the listeners an idea. The winner who emails the correct answers first will receive a signed picture of Karl.
#9. Goodbye - [00:29:58]
Ricky and Steve say goodbye and remind listeners to download the previous episodes of The Ricky Gervais Show.