The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #7

Posted on March 02, 2017

Originally published: December 20th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 39
Title: Can we cure everything with love?

I got punched in the back of the head the other day, by some random ‘geezer’ in London’s Soho in the small hours. I was doing nothing, suddenly someone squared up to me and after calmly said I didn’t want any trouble, he told me to walk away. I did so, and was punched hard in the back of the skull. Oh dear.

I’ve had a headache all weekend. I’m a hypochondriac at the best of times, but matters of the brain require a very special form of anxiety. What if I’m gonna die of a blood-clot in my sleep? What if my vocabulary starts to pour out of my mind like sand? What if I develop a Tourettic urge to shout racist words and blow raspberries? What if I start seeing dead people? All these things have nagged at me, so I try to counteract the fear by thinking of positive questions. What if it’s cleared my mind of a glut of toxins? What if I’m now more psychic? Maybe I’ll die a bit younger now? Oh no! See how it happens? The worries creep back.

Anyway, it’s made me want to go and live far away. I hate the boozy, warped-Christianity and consumerism mash-up that is Christmas. I hate the way apes like Vinnie Jones are hetero-eroticised by men in impotent awe of violence, I hate the shirts and sovereign rings, I hate the women who enjoy men fighting for their ‘honour’ and I hate having to be afraid of other people. I hate this country.

Russell thinks we should look at the root causes of why violence happens, we should redistribute wealth and we can cure everything with love.

I think I’d rather live under CCTV, I.D. cards and a brutal police-force of whom criminals are terrified, but then I have received a bad knock on the head recently.

What do you think?

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #6

Posted on March 01, 2017

Originally published: December 15th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 39
Title: Masculine/Feminine

Congratulations to Russell for getting the ‘Best Newcomer’ at the Comedy Awards. Well done, well done.

What about that huge snake that got dragged out hissing and squirming onstage tenuously linked to Matt Willis ‘the king of the jungle’ giving an award? How odd to see King Willis, Jonathan Ross and an animal handler (who looked like he couldn’t handle stairs) all grappling with the serpent like it was a ladder in the ‘Chuckle Brothers’. Now, I’m not Steve Irwin’s ghost but I don’t think an awards ceremony is the natural domain of a giant snake. I think they’re into swamps and trees more than glittery envelopes and tuxedoes; poor thing. Mind you, it’s not the most gratuitous and ‘controversial’ thing they could have done, they could have had a knickerless Britney run out and drop-kick Baby David into the crowd or something. Come on guys try harder.

There’s something about wearing a suit which makes me feel initially uncomfortable, overdressed and Dad-like but then, slowly I get into it. It makes you want to raise a Roger Moore eyebrow, tweak your cufflinks, call women ‘toots’ and smoke a cigar. But what is it about cigars? Put a load of blokes in suits and tuxes and they all start to believe they are either: James Bond, a gangster or Winston Churchill. But what better way to embellish your sartorially-enhanced masculinity than smoking a dried turd? It’s a strange phenomenon but chaps, next time you’re in a suit and you fancy lighting up a ‘Cuban missile’, remember you probably don’t look like Ray Liotta, you just look like Jimmy Saville in a court case.

Now then, now then… the theme for this week’s show is masculinity and femininity. What makes you feel more manly or womanly, and what makes you feel less. Russell is uncharacteristically a fount of football knowledge and wins many man points for this, I however buckle when a cab driver asks me if I saw ‘the match’ because it means I have to say either ‘which match?’ or ‘please, I don’t like football because probably my testicles aren’t properly wired to my body or something, I’m so sorry’. So let us know your thoughts.

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #5

Posted on February 28, 2017

Originally published: December 12th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 38
Title: The Presidential Privilege

Haha. I love it when I’m right. You may recall in last week’s show Russell ridiculed me for recounting the story about President Reagan turning to Steven Spielberg during a screening of ‘E.T.’ at the White House and saying “only a few people know how close to reality this movie is”. Well, Russell gleefully launched into a tirade about how daft I was because the movie in question was ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ and not 'E.T.' Well, I googled it and I am right. Ah, sweet victory.

Still, it's a weird fact. Old Ronnie Raygun apparently had a couple of sightings of UFOs in his life and when he got into the White House he asked the CIA to fill him in on the truth about our alien visitors. Spooky huh?

But maybe he wasn’t even talking about UFOs and aliens when he turned to Spielberg. Maybe the US military were working on a little brown gnome who’d befriend Russian children so he could spy on their parents and then ‘phone home’ to his pals at the Pentagon? Or maybe the Yanks were just working on a slightly camp flying-bike? Or a little flashlight that goes inside ladies’ fingers and helps them find things in their handbag?

Or maybe Ron just always said things like that at screenings? Perhaps when watching Mary Poppins he turned round to the director and said “Psst. See those magic bags with all that room inside? We’ve actually got one mate!”. I like the idea of him playing this game; he probably did it to alleviate the pressures of the Cold War. I can just see him whispering to the director of ‘Teen-Wolf’: “You know too much about ‘Project: Basketball-playing Lycanthrope’, we now have to kill you”.

And why does the President get private screenings of kids’ films at the White House anyway? Is George Bush Jr. sat in the Oval Office as we speak, desperately trying to understand the plot of ‘Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties’? The answer is probably yes. Oh God, things are worse than I thought.

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #4

Posted on February 28, 2017

Originally published: December 7th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 38
Title: Bacon Butties

Matt here, wotcha guys. Today Russell and I have been filming sketches for the C4 show. I have suffered the indignity of portraying a topless mermaid, among other things. Oh, but that is nothing to what poor old Rusty Brand had to go through, because he had to, wait for it… eat a bacon sandwich. Now as a vegetarian, who could blame him for stipulating that the bacon be replaced with a fake look-alike? No one, I’m sure. Bizarrely such a product exists, complete with realistic stripes, so the crew located some and Brand was happy. But the wheat free diet (read: affectation) that he (and, I’m ashamed to say, I) enjoy, meant that he couldn’t eat bread. So the crew went bravely out into the hurricane that was raging. Some of them were taken by the storm but the survivors brought back some wheat-free bread, and Brand was happy.

So, when constructed, this was a bacon-butty in appearance alone. In reality it was a totally prosthetic sarnie. In fact, more effort went into that stunt-sandwich than was ever put into the positioning of Evel Knieval’s crash-mats even. And after all that effort the sandwich got thrown violently into my face, my very real, human face. Mind you, I dunno why I’m whinging about it; I wrote the sketch.

Now, before you start thinking that that sandwich is a bit like this Russell Brand Blog, with no actual Russell Brand Bloggery contained within, let me shock you: I asked Russell to contribute a single word to this blog, and here it is… “malingerer”. Make of that what you will. Oh and remember to tell us of your embarrassing encounters with the rich and famous.

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #3

Posted on February 28, 2017

Originally published: December 5th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 37Episode 38
Title: Embarrassing incidents when you've met famous people

Hello there, its Matt here. Well, who heard Russell’s interview with Morrissey on last week’s show? It was fairly fawning but nowhere near the level I was expecting. Obviously his asking for a cuddle at the end was a tad unusual (Russell not Moz). I don’t think Paxman does that, or does he?

Maybe in the green room after Newsnight he storms up to the German minister he has just grilled mercilessly and, in a baby-voice, demands a ‘cuggle’, during which he forcefully nuzzles the man’s neck ‘I’m sorry I was so short with you Herr Stolz; I was just showing off. Mmm, you smell lovely. What washing powder does Mrs Stolz use?- oh, sorry, sorry, I don’t know what came over me, you’re all creased now’. No, I think it is an interview technique employed solely by Mr Brand, and the notoriously difficult Morrissey responded pretty well to Russ’s maverick probing and awkward embrace.

Its funny that Morrissey won’t be called a performer, ‘seals perform, I appear live’ and ‘fans’ are not to be called such; they are his ‘audience’, a semiotic minefield so fraught that Princess Diana would have campaigned against it. Russell negotiated his way without any major gaffes but its not always that easy and that gives us our theme for this week. ‘Embarrassing incidents when you’ve met famous people’.

I once met Lulu and as she handed me something I tried to say ‘thank you’ but instead I blurted ‘Lulu’. Her own name mumbled back at her to convey gratitude. Oh, the shame. Let us know yours…

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #2

Posted on February 27, 2017

Originally published: November 29th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 37
Title: Self Improvement

Hello Matt here,

What about Courtney Love saying she fancies me but I need to get my teeth fixed? A fact she reiterated to me again this week. It’s made me take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. My teeth ain’t that bad, but they’re certainly not pearly-white, L.A. gnashers. Courtney’s teeth cost a lot of money, she told us how much but I’ve blanked it out; it was a crazy sum. So much so, that if she ever needed to buy a hotel or a space-tourism flight she could crack out an incisor and pay with that.

The thing is, I think those Hollywood teeth are merely a veneer that goes over your actual teeth. Now, I don’t like the thought of my real, wonky teeth lurking behind the scenes like some deformed family member imprisoned in an attic. The thing is, one day they will break free and then you have a lot of questions to answer. Trust me.

Anyway, I think my gob is OK for now, especially for radio. Teeth can’t let you down in the aural medium; unless they grow wildly out of control and clink and scrape on a microphone; but that is months, if not years, away.

So anyway, this week we are talking about self-improvement, and how you got the message it was time for a change.

Apparently cats pad their owner as a show of affection. Russell has confided in me that his cat Morrissey pads him, but always on his liver. He thinks this may be a sign he needs some self-improvement to his liver, as though the cat were sensing some malady. Perhaps the cat is just sensing that it is a ‘lily-liver’ belonging to a man so cowardly he believes his innocent cat is a harbinger of doom? I think so.

​So anyway, when have you received a message to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’? Be it from Courtney Love, a cat or a series of invasive and humiliating medical tests. Let us know.


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