The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #12
Posted on March 05, 2017
January 20th 2007Related show(s): Episode 44
, Episode 75Title:
View From the Top
We are number One in the podcast charts. Well, we hovered around the number Three spot for a while and briefly flirted with the number Two area (oh come on!) but now we are at the pinnacle, the summit of the podcast chart and we have stuck our flag in it and sat back to admire the view.
When you’re a kid you hope to one day be at the top of a chart. I was always a bit of an underachiever, so were Trevor and Russell. Mainly due to laziness more than any lack of ability of course. Never had the top Natwest Piggy, never got a medal on Sports Day, never got awarded anything in assembly, never got picked for the team, always pretty much came second or nowhere. Actually I did win a two-man Scout Hike once, but only because my partner wet himself in our tent so we got up much earlier than anyone else and set out. He denied it was urine and made a pathetic check of all the bottles in the First-Aid kit to see which one was leaking, but you know when you just know? We got round that Ordnance Survey map fuelled purely by his shame and my resentment.
Yeah, so thanks to everyone who’s downloaded the Russell Brand Show Podcast and thanks for all the congratulatory messages. We did say that if we ever reached number One we would do some mad publicity stunt involving an ice-cream van, so watch out for that. In fact if you remember the details of what we said we’d do, please remind us (we didn’t get to Numero Uno by being professional y’know, remember that kids)
Looking forward to tomorrow’s show, and aiding our beloved listeners with their ‘Cries for Help’ so keep ‘em coming, especially real ones please. Bye , Matt xxx
The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #11
Posted on March 04, 2017
January 17th 2007Related show(s): Episode 44Title:
Russell becoming Jean Claude Van Damme?
Why doesn’t Russell ever write the blog? I hear you ask, or rather I read you asking from time to time on here. Well, as I’ve explained before, he’s a very busy man.
Now, I knew he had a packed schedule but I’ve just found out its not just work he’s busy with. As readers of his Guardian column may be aware, he has gone and got himself a personal trainer. I was on the phone to him earlier and he had to cut me off because his workout was about to begin. I imagined his personal trainer as a moustachioed Russian strongman in a stripy swimsuit with his hairy chest on display and I envisaged this slab of cold-hearted indifference, let’s call him Boris, turning Brandy into a man of iron. Unfortunately this dream was shattered in its infancy by Russell’s description of the routine he was about to launch into. He has dumbbells (so far so good) and (wait for it) he gets onto one of those big gym balls and does his whole workout perched on that like a confused starling sat on a huge egg it couldn’t possibly have laid.
The image of the butch personal trainer shrivels and re-blooms as a lycra-clad gym-bunny and I see Russell with a pink sweatband on his head bearing the legend ‘Get in Shape Girl’ and stripy leg warmers, going “1 and 2 and 1 and 2!” with that determined face that guests on the Jerry Springer show do when they say, "I am ALL that, sugar". A big gym-ball? So many questions, here are just a few I will want answered on next week’s show
- Does the personal trainer come to Russell’s door with the giant bauble under his arm?
- Does Russell usher him in embarrassedly, and maybe suggest he puts a sheet over the gym-ball in public in future (perhaps draw a face on the sheet and pretend it is a person with a condition) i.e. is Russell ashamed of the gym-ball?
- What does Russell wear in these encounters?
- Do they workout to 2Unlimited?
- What things does the trainer say to encourage Russell? (‘feel the burn’, ‘you go girl’, ‘OK, freestyle! Go nuts!’)
I shouldn’t mock - maybe he’ll end up like Jean Claude Van Damme and beat me up?
The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #10
Posted on March 03, 2017
January 12th 2007Related show(s): Episode 43Title:
Pimp My Ride
Thanks for all the words of support about my fear of having eaten mud. I am still very much alive and I’ve actually bought some mud-guards for my steed. In fact I’ve bought massive lights, a pump, a little toolkit and Russell kindly got me a little onboard computer that tells you your speed and distance! The bike is groaning under the weight of all the add-ons and the handlebar is cluttered with gadgets. It looks like Doc Brown out of ‘Back to the Future’ has been at it. ‘Great Scott Matty, we gotta go back! Back to the bike shop, we need more gadgets!”
Yeah, its kind of gone beyond ‘cool’ now and looks like its owned by a sad nerd who’s tried to pimp his ride. Which of course it is. Even more tragically I’ve started to pimp myself up to match, the helmet is now an acceptable safety essential but the special winter cycling gloves, oh God where will this end? I’ll probably be in an accident due to sheer weight of gizmos and they’ll have to rebuild me from the wreckage and I’ll end up half-man/half-bike and I’ll speak with a little bell. Then mud will probably be the only food I need…
Sorry, I lost it there for a minute. Stephen Merchant’s coming on the show this week, ‘Citin, to coin a phrase.
The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #9
Posted on March 03, 2017
Originally published: January 10th 2007
Related show(s): NA
Hello Matt here. Well its 2007 and I’m a cliché. Oh horror of horrors, I’m conforming to the image of the national psyche proffered by items on ‘This Morning’ aimed at housewives worried about their flab…
I made a vow to start going to the gym in the New Year. How desperately unoriginal.
Well anyway, now I can’t go through with it because I can’t bear the thought of those smarmy gym-attendants looking at me and thinking I’m some ‘January Amateur’ there to work off mince-pie guilt, who’s baffled by the machines and who’ll never be seen again come February. No way, instead I’ve been riding my mountain-bike off-road. Yeah baby. In the wind, the rain and the mud and now that my bike’s all dirty no one can tell how long I’ve been doing it for, ‘New Year’s resolution? Are you crazy? I’ve been hitting the trail for years’. Ha-ha, take that Britain.
Anyway, due to a bit of poor time-keeping on my part, I turned up to a meeting with Rusty Brand fresh from a ride. I was covered in mud and the look of disdain on his face was remarkable. He accused me of ‘living in a ditch’ and as the meeting went on and the caked-mud dried and started to fall off, he turned his nose up and swept his Dior jacket away from me. You don’t get covered in shit doing Yoga in Hampstead do ya Brandy? What is it, a little too real for ya? Huh?
(In truth, I can’t wait ‘til February when I can stop this charade; some mud went in my mouth and I’m worried I’ll die)
The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #8
Posted on March 02, 2017
December 22nd 2006Related show(s): Episode 40Title:
Well it’s cold in London but that’s to be expected. Who though would have predicted the ‘killer fog’? It’s a nice effect, very Victorian. How retro to have England draped in a spooky fog? It’s a great look for winter but it’s starting to make me a bit depressed.
The irony is you cannot escape the hellish mist because all the aeroplanes are nervously grounded, unless you are Russell Brand of course. This is a man who needs a holiday, but he only has a narrow window in which to slot it. This week I’ve heard him making endless phone-calls to some poor, wretched travel agent, stating his diva-esque demands, I’ve heard talk of ‘private planes’ and ‘designer bathrooms’. This is Jennifer Lopez territory and he will not be stopped by killer fog.
Anyway, through sheer force of will Rusty has managed to commandeer a craft to make his escape to the sun. I don’t want to disappoint any children reading but I fear his transport may have been commandeered from a fat man in a red suit.
So we’re doing a pre-record for next weeks show while Brand suns himself in luxury, laughing and laughing. Why not let us know about times you’ve escaped, be it from Christmas, killer fog, amorous animals or even Her Majesties Pleasure.
The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #7
Posted on March 02, 2017
December 20th 2006Related show(s): Episode 39Title:
Can we cure everything with love?I got punched in the back of the head the other day
, by some random ‘geezer’ in London’s Soho in the small hours. I was doing nothing, suddenly someone squared up to me and after calmly said I didn’t want any trouble, he told me to walk away. I did so, and was punched hard in the back of the skull. Oh dear.
I’ve had a headache all weekend. I’m a hypochondriac at the best of times, but matters of the brain require a very special form of anxiety. What if I’m gonna die of a blood-clot in my sleep? What if my vocabulary starts to pour out of my mind like sand? What if I develop a Tourettic urge to shout racist words and blow raspberries? What if I start seeing dead people? All these things have nagged at me, so I try to counteract the fear by thinking of positive questions. What if it’s cleared my mind of a glut of toxins? What if I’m now more psychic? Maybe I’ll die a bit younger now? Oh no! See how it happens? The worries creep back.
Anyway, it’s made me want to go and live far away. I hate the boozy, warped-Christianity and consumerism mash-up that is Christmas. I hate the way apes like Vinnie Jones are hetero-eroticised by men in impotent awe of violence, I hate the shirts and sovereign rings, I hate the women who enjoy men fighting for their ‘honour’ and I hate having to be afraid of other people. I hate this country.
Russell thinks we should look at the root causes of why violence happens, we should redistribute wealth and we can cure everything with love.
I think I’d rather live under CCTV, I.D. cards and a brutal police-force of whom criminals are terrified, but then I have received a bad knock on the head recently.
What do you think?