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The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #9

Posted on March 03, 2017

Originally published: January 10th 2007
Related show(s): NA
Title: Resolutions

Hello Matt here. Well its 2007 and I’m a cliché. Oh horror of horrors, I’m conforming to the image of the national psyche proffered by items on ‘This Morning’ aimed at housewives worried about their flab…

I made a vow to start going to the gym in the New Year. How desperately unoriginal.

Well anyway, now I can’t go through with it because I can’t bear the thought of those smarmy gym-attendants looking at me and thinking I’m some ‘January Amateur’ there to work off mince-pie guilt, who’s baffled by the machines and who’ll never be seen again come February. No way, instead I’ve been riding my mountain-bike off-road. Yeah baby. In the wind, the rain and the mud and now that my bike’s all dirty no one can tell how long I’ve been doing it for, ‘New Year’s resolution? Are you crazy? I’ve been hitting the trail for years’. Ha-ha, take that Britain.

Anyway, due to a bit of poor time-keeping on my part, I turned up to a meeting with Rusty Brand fresh from a ride. I was covered in mud and the look of disdain on his face was remarkable. He accused me of ‘living in a ditch’ and as the meeting went on and the caked-mud dried and started to fall off, he turned his nose up and swept his Dior jacket away from me. You don’t get covered in shit doing Yoga in Hampstead do ya Brandy? What is it, a little too real for ya? Huh?

(In truth, I can’t wait ‘til February when I can stop this charade; some mud went in my mouth and I’m worried I’ll die)

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #8

Posted on March 02, 2017

Originally published: December 22nd 2006
Related show(s): Episode 40
Title: Happy Christmas

Bloggy bloggy.

Well it’s cold in London but that’s to be expected. Who though would have predicted the ‘killer fog’? It’s a nice effect, very Victorian. How retro to have England draped in a spooky fog? It’s a great look for winter but it’s starting to make me a bit depressed.

The irony is you cannot escape the hellish mist because all the aeroplanes are nervously grounded, unless you are Russell Brand of course. This is a man who needs a holiday, but he only has a narrow window in which to slot it. This week I’ve heard him making endless phone-calls to some poor, wretched travel agent, stating his diva-esque demands, I’ve heard talk of ‘private planes’ and ‘designer bathrooms’. This is Jennifer Lopez territory and he will not be stopped by killer fog.

Anyway, through sheer force of will Rusty has managed to commandeer a craft to make his escape to the sun. I don’t want to disappoint any children reading but I fear his transport may have been commandeered from a fat man in a red suit.

So we’re doing a pre-record for next weeks show while Brand suns himself in luxury, laughing and laughing. Why not let us know about times you’ve escaped, be it from Christmas, killer fog, amorous animals or even Her Majesties Pleasure.

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #7

Posted on March 02, 2017

Originally published: December 20th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 39
Title: Can we cure everything with love?

I got punched in the back of the head the other day, by some random ‘geezer’ in London’s Soho in the small hours. I was doing nothing, suddenly someone squared up to me and after calmly said I didn’t want any trouble, he told me to walk away. I did so, and was punched hard in the back of the skull. Oh dear.

I’ve had a headache all weekend. I’m a hypochondriac at the best of times, but matters of the brain require a very special form of anxiety. What if I’m gonna die of a blood-clot in my sleep? What if my vocabulary starts to pour out of my mind like sand? What if I develop a Tourettic urge to shout racist words and blow raspberries? What if I start seeing dead people? All these things have nagged at me, so I try to counteract the fear by thinking of positive questions. What if it’s cleared my mind of a glut of toxins? What if I’m now more psychic? Maybe I’ll die a bit younger now? Oh no! See how it happens? The worries creep back.

Anyway, it’s made me want to go and live far away. I hate the boozy, warped-Christianity and consumerism mash-up that is Christmas. I hate the way apes like Vinnie Jones are hetero-eroticised by men in impotent awe of violence, I hate the shirts and sovereign rings, I hate the women who enjoy men fighting for their ‘honour’ and I hate having to be afraid of other people. I hate this country.

Russell thinks we should look at the root causes of why violence happens, we should redistribute wealth and we can cure everything with love.

I think I’d rather live under CCTV, I.D. cards and a brutal police-force of whom criminals are terrified, but then I have received a bad knock on the head recently.

What do you think?

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #6

Posted on March 01, 2017

Originally published: December 15th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 39
Title: Masculine/Feminine

Congratulations to Russell for getting the ‘Best Newcomer’ at the Comedy Awards. Well done, well done.

What about that huge snake that got dragged out hissing and squirming onstage tenuously linked to Matt Willis ‘the king of the jungle’ giving an award? How odd to see King Willis, Jonathan Ross and an animal handler (who looked like he couldn’t handle stairs) all grappling with the serpent like it was a ladder in the ‘Chuckle Brothers’. Now, I’m not Steve Irwin’s ghost but I don’t think an awards ceremony is the natural domain of a giant snake. I think they’re into swamps and trees more than glittery envelopes and tuxedoes; poor thing. Mind you, it’s not the most gratuitous and ‘controversial’ thing they could have done, they could have had a knickerless Britney run out and drop-kick Baby David into the crowd or something. Come on guys try harder.

There’s something about wearing a suit which makes me feel initially uncomfortable, overdressed and Dad-like but then, slowly I get into it. It makes you want to raise a Roger Moore eyebrow, tweak your cufflinks, call women ‘toots’ and smoke a cigar. But what is it about cigars? Put a load of blokes in suits and tuxes and they all start to believe they are either: James Bond, a gangster or Winston Churchill. But what better way to embellish your sartorially-enhanced masculinity than smoking a dried turd? It’s a strange phenomenon but chaps, next time you’re in a suit and you fancy lighting up a ‘Cuban missile’, remember you probably don’t look like Ray Liotta, you just look like Jimmy Saville in a court case.

Now then, now then… the theme for this week’s show is masculinity and femininity. What makes you feel more manly or womanly, and what makes you feel less. Russell is uncharacteristically a fount of football knowledge and wins many man points for this, I however buckle when a cab driver asks me if I saw ‘the match’ because it means I have to say either ‘which match?’ or ‘please, I don’t like football because probably my testicles aren’t properly wired to my body or something, I’m so sorry’. So let us know your thoughts.

´╗┐The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #5

Posted on February 28, 2017

Originally published: December 12th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 38
Title: The Presidential Privilege

Haha. I love it when I’m right. You may recall in last week’s show Russell ridiculed me for recounting the story about President Reagan turning to Steven Spielberg during a screening of ‘E.T.’ at the White House and saying “only a few people know how close to reality this movie is”. Well, Russell gleefully launched into a tirade about how daft I was because the movie in question was ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ and not 'E.T.' Well, I googled it and I am right. Ah, sweet victory.

Still, it's a weird fact. Old Ronnie Raygun apparently had a couple of sightings of UFOs in his life and when he got into the White House he asked the CIA to fill him in on the truth about our alien visitors. Spooky huh?

But maybe he wasn’t even talking about UFOs and aliens when he turned to Spielberg. Maybe the US military were working on a little brown gnome who’d befriend Russian children so he could spy on their parents and then ‘phone home’ to his pals at the Pentagon? Or maybe the Yanks were just working on a slightly camp flying-bike? Or a little flashlight that goes inside ladies’ fingers and helps them find things in their handbag?

Or maybe Ron just always said things like that at screenings? Perhaps when watching Mary Poppins he turned round to the director and said “Psst. See those magic bags with all that room inside? We’ve actually got one mate!”. I like the idea of him playing this game; he probably did it to alleviate the pressures of the Cold War. I can just see him whispering to the director of ‘Teen-Wolf’: “You know too much about ‘Project: Basketball-playing Lycanthrope’, we now have to kill you”.

And why does the President get private screenings of kids’ films at the White House anyway? Is George Bush Jr. sat in the Oval Office as we speak, desperately trying to understand the plot of ‘Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties’? The answer is probably yes. Oh God, things are worse than I thought.

The Ramblings of Matt Morgan, #4

Posted on February 28, 2017

Originally published: December 7th 2006
Related show(s): Episode 38
Title: Bacon Butties

Matt here, wotcha guys. Today Russell and I have been filming sketches for the C4 show. I have suffered the indignity of portraying a topless mermaid, among other things. Oh, but that is nothing to what poor old Rusty Brand had to go through, because he had to, wait for it… eat a bacon sandwich. Now as a vegetarian, who could blame him for stipulating that the bacon be replaced with a fake look-alike? No one, I’m sure. Bizarrely such a product exists, complete with realistic stripes, so the crew located some and Brand was happy. But the wheat free diet (read: affectation) that he (and, I’m ashamed to say, I) enjoy, meant that he couldn’t eat bread. So the crew went bravely out into the hurricane that was raging. Some of them were taken by the storm but the survivors brought back some wheat-free bread, and Brand was happy.

So, when constructed, this was a bacon-butty in appearance alone. In reality it was a totally prosthetic sarnie. In fact, more effort went into that stunt-sandwich than was ever put into the positioning of Evel Knieval’s crash-mats even. And after all that effort the sandwich got thrown violently into my face, my very real, human face. Mind you, I dunno why I’m whinging about it; I wrote the sketch.

Now, before you start thinking that that sandwich is a bit like this Russell Brand Blog, with no actual Russell Brand Bloggery contained within, let me shock you: I asked Russell to contribute a single word to this blog, and here it is… “malingerer”. Make of that what you will. Oh and remember to tell us of your embarrassing encounters with the rich and famous.


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